Struggling with own my feelings over the Mommy and Non-Mommy Divide, I asked over a dozen of my girlfriends to weigh in... with some interesting revelations! Here's Part 2 in this blog mini-series.Part 2: Can Mommy and Non-Mommy be friends?
I've heard the term "bros before hoes", but you'll never hear "ladies over babies"!
As I mentioned in Part 1, what bothers me most is not the kids, but what happens to the relationships between Mommy and Non-Mommy friends... how friends who used to enjoy a girls' night out together turn into complete strangers, even frenemies, as we navigate this invisible Mommy vs. Non-Mommy Divide.
Most of the women who responded felt that friendships had changed, if not ended, once someone in the relationship became a Mommy while another was not. In many cases, the "phasing out" was similar to what happened to Becca, a newly married gal who doesn't have kids yet: "It's happened with my friends who've had children and we just don't hang out anymore, though it doesn't seem like any specific thing happened... we would make time for coffee dates in the beginning and they just got fewer and farther in between."
Mommies:
Jo: [Before I was a Mommy] I used to really hold a grudge, but when you switch sides you are able to see and understand how lives drift apart so easily. When I wasn't a mom, I felt abandoned, but now that I am a mom, [my Mommy friends and I] have reconnected. I do still try to make time for my non-mommy friends, but it's probably me doing the abandoning now.
Gabi: I feel closer to fellow Moms than ever because we have all been through a sort of 'rite of passage'... there is a connection there that I don't have with other non-mom friends.
Ellie: I think if you have a strong friendship, it will survive. If it's a socially convenient friendship, maybe not. I was a non-Mommy for so long; I now feel like I have abandoned some of my then-Mommy friends. but I don't see it as abandonment; it's just a natural progression of all of us living our lives.
I think that Ellie's words really caught my attention the most. I thought about the friendships I'd lost when girls became Mommies... and realized that they weren't the strongest friendships to begin with. They were socially convenient, and their dissipation as interests changed almost seemed inevitable.
Non-Mommies:
Kim: I wouldn't say I've lost friends... children tend to take over the mother's life in every area in most cases. Birds of a feather, right? But the friendships never had very solid foundations to begin with, [so] no abandonment, now way.
Jenna: I have lost every friend that has ever become a Mom. I can honestly say I do not have a single friend that is a Mom. Their priorities change and they simply do not have the time or energy to devote to non-playdate friends. They do not partake in the same activities. I have become numb to the process; I assume it will happen, emotionally prepare myself for the change, and constantly look for new friends of the non-Mommy variety. I am especially close to women who cling to the ideals of not having children ever.
Kris: I haven’t lost a friendship due to one of my friends becoming a mommy, but I would say our friendship has less time because they have different goals now. It does hurt at times when your friendship is lessened because the other can't make the time for you or the other person anymore. I do believe that at times I could be the abandoner to the mommy friends. [Sometimes me and my friends] who didn’t have children would go out on a Saturday night each month for dinner and a movie. We didn’t normally invite the [Mommies] because then they had to get babysitters.
Kim's words echo Ellie's. It's good to know that some women on both sides of the divide understand why it happens... but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt our feelings.
I did have another, more potentially incendiary question... Is there jealousy towards each other involved in this separation? The answers were across the board.
Non-Mommies:
Becca: Yes and No. I think for the Mommies who weren't actually mentally prepared to be Mommies there could be alot of jealousy because they were not able to live out their young adulthood with less responsibilities and "get the wild out" so to say. And no because I think that some do make the choice and are tired of having the Non-Mommy lifestyle.
Maura: I feel both sides have jealousy towards the other. As a non-mother, I feel those with children are jealous that I have a life that allows me time to work, volunteer, travel, and generally enrich myself with being involved in the local community. I’ve personally been subjected to jealousy from those who have to stay at home, or choose to stay home, and are just plain bored with their lives. They don’t have adult contact all day, and I pity them for that. I think staying at home and raising your family is very important and each family have to choose what is right for them. When it’s my turn to be a mother, provided we’re able to do this financially, I would love to have the job as a mother – it’s very hard work. But you have to be mentally and physically prepared to fend for yourself. Society is not responsible for your, or my, offspring.
Kim: In my personal experience that is entirely circumstantial. Some of them have expressed moments of jealousy of the single or childless life, but it was fleeting, some of them express no jealousy at all and cannot imagine being anything other than a mother. I think it also might have a lot to do with someone's level of being secure in their lives... As for the flip side, I can personally say that I am not jealous of mothers. It is a hard and thankless job sometimes, and at this juncture in my life, I can't fathom having that responsibility, even though I love children, and I love caring for them. I really value my adult time, and the freedom that I have in traveling and career wise, etc.
Mommies:
Melanie: I've never been jealous; I think that I am sometimes frustrated that people who are still single don't give any consideration to people who are parents and what sort of dates/times for social events would work for them. I am lucky that I have always been able to afford babysitters--though for many parents, especially single moms, this is not the case.
Amanda: Yes. Mommies want to have the vacation and the alone time. I struggle with my own identity at times. I believe mostly because I'm just Mommy now.
Ellie: I suspect for the moms who had babies young, and never had the years to have their own career, to have the fun nights out, yes, there could be a jealousy factor. And I also think there is a fear among the single ladies out there who know they do want kids, that "what if" in the back of your mind saying, "what if I never find the right guy" or "what if my body doesn't support having kids?" or "what if this never happens for me?" But, hopefully everyone can be supportive and happy with their choices and find the bright side in all of the scenarios. I've lived both sides, and on any given day, it is a toss-up on which is harder/better/more rewarding!
Vickie: Everyone gets jealous. If they say they don’t it’s a lie. At the end of the day all that matters is that you are happy with your life. If you’re not then it’s up to you to make some changes to make your life something that will make you happy.
Carrie: I wouldn't call it jealousy. Personally, while I wished I had my "me" time back, I felt that I had been there, done that with the partying/vacations, etc. I was jealous that my non-mommy friends could be way more spontaneous than me, but I don't feel that they're doing anything that I didn't get a chance to do already. I would probably feel differently had I been a young mom, though.
One of the ladies, Kris, shared a very personal and honest side of why, as a Non-Mommy, she is jealous of Mommies... because of her struggle with infertility.
Kris: I believe the mommies have more jealousy issues because they are now responsible for another person. They can’t pick up the phone anymore and say, let's go out right now... On the other hand, I’m very jealous of the moms. My husband and I have been trying for 5 years for children. The doctors tell us we can’t have children unless we do in vitro. I didn’t used to be a jealous person but now any time I see someone pregnant or have children, I get angry. I have had times of fun with my husbands and the girls, I want my turn to have my children, but I can’t on my terms. I get jealous of those who can, even though I know rationally that I shouldn’t be jealous.
Others, like Jenna, a Non-Mommy with no plans whatsoever to have children, felt completely opposite.
Jenna: I have never been jealous of a woman with a child. I commend them for their efforts but a child would be the most life-ruining event to ever happen to me. I'm glad that my future spouse and I feel the same way and we have taken permanent precautions to assure this never happens. I literally have no positive emotions when I think about a lifestyle with children.
What was my takeaway from all of this feedback? It was kind of what I expected. Mommies and Non-Mommies can be friends! But the both sides need to work at it, and if the friendship wasn't that great to begin with, it might not work as priorities change. The Non-Mommy life makes it easier to feel less jealousy towards Mommies; there's just more freedom/time to be selfish. It also seems that some of the women who became mothers at a younger age dealt with more jealousy than those who became mothers later on. It may have a lot to do with how many years of true, independent adult life they had without a child to care for. As time passes, they feel more secure in their motherhood and proud of the hard work they've put into their child's life. Many of the Mommies were so well-adjusted that jealousy is absolutely a non-issue.
As for me, personally I am happy in my life without children at this point. I like being able to go out with my friends on a whim, splurge on shopping sprees and fancy dinners without feeling guilt, and getting lots of good, uninterrupted sleep. I don't feel jealous of Mommies, but I also know that I have been a bit ignorant as to how my lifestyle/behavior might make them feel.
As I mentioned in Part 1, what bothers me most is not the kids, but what happens to the relationships between Mommy and Non-Mommy friends... how friends who used to enjoy a girls' night out together turn into complete strangers, even frenemies, as we navigate this invisible Mommy vs. Non-Mommy Divide.
Most of the women who responded felt that friendships had changed, if not ended, once someone in the relationship became a Mommy while another was not. In many cases, the "phasing out" was similar to what happened to Becca, a newly married gal who doesn't have kids yet: "It's happened with my friends who've had children and we just don't hang out anymore, though it doesn't seem like any specific thing happened... we would make time for coffee dates in the beginning and they just got fewer and farther in between."
Mommies:
Jo: [Before I was a Mommy] I used to really hold a grudge, but when you switch sides you are able to see and understand how lives drift apart so easily. When I wasn't a mom, I felt abandoned, but now that I am a mom, [my Mommy friends and I] have reconnected. I do still try to make time for my non-mommy friends, but it's probably me doing the abandoning now.
Gabi: I feel closer to fellow Moms than ever because we have all been through a sort of 'rite of passage'... there is a connection there that I don't have with other non-mom friends.
Ellie: I think if you have a strong friendship, it will survive. If it's a socially convenient friendship, maybe not. I was a non-Mommy for so long; I now feel like I have abandoned some of my then-Mommy friends. but I don't see it as abandonment; it's just a natural progression of all of us living our lives.
I think that Ellie's words really caught my attention the most. I thought about the friendships I'd lost when girls became Mommies... and realized that they weren't the strongest friendships to begin with. They were socially convenient, and their dissipation as interests changed almost seemed inevitable.
Non-Mommies:
Kim: I wouldn't say I've lost friends... children tend to take over the mother's life in every area in most cases. Birds of a feather, right? But the friendships never had very solid foundations to begin with, [so] no abandonment, now way.
Jenna: I have lost every friend that has ever become a Mom. I can honestly say I do not have a single friend that is a Mom. Their priorities change and they simply do not have the time or energy to devote to non-playdate friends. They do not partake in the same activities. I have become numb to the process; I assume it will happen, emotionally prepare myself for the change, and constantly look for new friends of the non-Mommy variety. I am especially close to women who cling to the ideals of not having children ever.
Kris: I haven’t lost a friendship due to one of my friends becoming a mommy, but I would say our friendship has less time because they have different goals now. It does hurt at times when your friendship is lessened because the other can't make the time for you or the other person anymore. I do believe that at times I could be the abandoner to the mommy friends. [Sometimes me and my friends] who didn’t have children would go out on a Saturday night each month for dinner and a movie. We didn’t normally invite the [Mommies] because then they had to get babysitters.
Kim's words echo Ellie's. It's good to know that some women on both sides of the divide understand why it happens... but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt our feelings.
I did have another, more potentially incendiary question... Is there jealousy towards each other involved in this separation? The answers were across the board.
Non-Mommies:
Becca: Yes and No. I think for the Mommies who weren't actually mentally prepared to be Mommies there could be alot of jealousy because they were not able to live out their young adulthood with less responsibilities and "get the wild out" so to say. And no because I think that some do make the choice and are tired of having the Non-Mommy lifestyle.
Maura: I feel both sides have jealousy towards the other. As a non-mother, I feel those with children are jealous that I have a life that allows me time to work, volunteer, travel, and generally enrich myself with being involved in the local community. I’ve personally been subjected to jealousy from those who have to stay at home, or choose to stay home, and are just plain bored with their lives. They don’t have adult contact all day, and I pity them for that. I think staying at home and raising your family is very important and each family have to choose what is right for them. When it’s my turn to be a mother, provided we’re able to do this financially, I would love to have the job as a mother – it’s very hard work. But you have to be mentally and physically prepared to fend for yourself. Society is not responsible for your, or my, offspring.
Kim: In my personal experience that is entirely circumstantial. Some of them have expressed moments of jealousy of the single or childless life, but it was fleeting, some of them express no jealousy at all and cannot imagine being anything other than a mother. I think it also might have a lot to do with someone's level of being secure in their lives... As for the flip side, I can personally say that I am not jealous of mothers. It is a hard and thankless job sometimes, and at this juncture in my life, I can't fathom having that responsibility, even though I love children, and I love caring for them. I really value my adult time, and the freedom that I have in traveling and career wise, etc.
Mommies:
Melanie: I've never been jealous; I think that I am sometimes frustrated that people who are still single don't give any consideration to people who are parents and what sort of dates/times for social events would work for them. I am lucky that I have always been able to afford babysitters--though for many parents, especially single moms, this is not the case.
Amanda: Yes. Mommies want to have the vacation and the alone time. I struggle with my own identity at times. I believe mostly because I'm just Mommy now.
Ellie: I suspect for the moms who had babies young, and never had the years to have their own career, to have the fun nights out, yes, there could be a jealousy factor. And I also think there is a fear among the single ladies out there who know they do want kids, that "what if" in the back of your mind saying, "what if I never find the right guy" or "what if my body doesn't support having kids?" or "what if this never happens for me?" But, hopefully everyone can be supportive and happy with their choices and find the bright side in all of the scenarios. I've lived both sides, and on any given day, it is a toss-up on which is harder/better/more rewarding!
Vickie: Everyone gets jealous. If they say they don’t it’s a lie. At the end of the day all that matters is that you are happy with your life. If you’re not then it’s up to you to make some changes to make your life something that will make you happy.
Carrie: I wouldn't call it jealousy. Personally, while I wished I had my "me" time back, I felt that I had been there, done that with the partying/vacations, etc. I was jealous that my non-mommy friends could be way more spontaneous than me, but I don't feel that they're doing anything that I didn't get a chance to do already. I would probably feel differently had I been a young mom, though.
One of the ladies, Kris, shared a very personal and honest side of why, as a Non-Mommy, she is jealous of Mommies... because of her struggle with infertility.
Kris: I believe the mommies have more jealousy issues because they are now responsible for another person. They can’t pick up the phone anymore and say, let's go out right now... On the other hand, I’m very jealous of the moms. My husband and I have been trying for 5 years for children. The doctors tell us we can’t have children unless we do in vitro. I didn’t used to be a jealous person but now any time I see someone pregnant or have children, I get angry. I have had times of fun with my husbands and the girls, I want my turn to have my children, but I can’t on my terms. I get jealous of those who can, even though I know rationally that I shouldn’t be jealous.
Others, like Jenna, a Non-Mommy with no plans whatsoever to have children, felt completely opposite.
Jenna: I have never been jealous of a woman with a child. I commend them for their efforts but a child would be the most life-ruining event to ever happen to me. I'm glad that my future spouse and I feel the same way and we have taken permanent precautions to assure this never happens. I literally have no positive emotions when I think about a lifestyle with children.
What was my takeaway from all of this feedback? It was kind of what I expected. Mommies and Non-Mommies can be friends! But the both sides need to work at it, and if the friendship wasn't that great to begin with, it might not work as priorities change. The Non-Mommy life makes it easier to feel less jealousy towards Mommies; there's just more freedom/time to be selfish. It also seems that some of the women who became mothers at a younger age dealt with more jealousy than those who became mothers later on. It may have a lot to do with how many years of true, independent adult life they had without a child to care for. As time passes, they feel more secure in their motherhood and proud of the hard work they've put into their child's life. Many of the Mommies were so well-adjusted that jealousy is absolutely a non-issue.
As for me, personally I am happy in my life without children at this point. I like being able to go out with my friends on a whim, splurge on shopping sprees and fancy dinners without feeling guilt, and getting lots of good, uninterrupted sleep. I don't feel jealous of Mommies, but I also know that I have been a bit ignorant as to how my lifestyle/behavior might make them feel.
Stay tuned for Part 3: The Mommy/Non-Mommy Identity
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