What bothers me most is not the kids, but what happens to the relationships between Mommy and Non-Mommy friends... how friends who used to enjoy a girls' night out together turn into complete strangers, even frenemies, as we navigate this invisible Mommy vs. Non-Mommy Divide.
I want kids someday, whether on my own or via adoption. I love my financial freedom and going to movies/vacations/nice restaurants! I'm not ready to give up my sleep to clean up another person's poo! I want to live my single Sex & the City life, not Sesame Street. But I LOVE kids. I've spent so much on baby gifts for friends that I've apparently been put on mailing lists for baby magazines and formula samples. I babysit for free for my friends (including changing diapers!), just to give them a few hours of respite or time with their spouse. I have to stop myself from purchasing a trousseau of baby clothing because I love its adorableness.
So what's a a girl to do, as I navigate this touchy issue?
I reached out to over a dozen of my girlfriends, women from all walks of life, Mommies and Non-Mommies, to ask some questions about all of this madness... here are some of the responses, and what I gleaned from them. I changed all names for the privacy of the ladies; these comments are meant to spark dialogue, not offend! I got more responses than I could use, but I think it's a good representation of different people, responding honestly and openly about their feelings.
Part 1: Does it exist?
Is there a Mommy vs. Non-Mommy Divide? I think there is, or at least many of us perceive one. Once you become a mother, you are a part of this collective of womanhood, the Mommy Club, bringing a new life into the world like countless before you. It really is remarkable... but what happens if that isn't your ambition, or if you have friends who don't share in your love of mothering? Should you be shunned/pitied by the Mommies, or abandon your Non-Mommy friends? I do think there's a divide, because there is such heated debate over the issue of children on planes/in restaurants, openly breastfeeding, vaccinations, etc. When the parenting comes into the public domain, that's when things heat up.
There were a few ladies who didn't think there was a true divide...
Carrie (stay-at-home mommy, married): I don't think there's a "divide" per se, but while a mommy can see the non-mommy's perspective because we were once non-mommies, a non-mommy can't ever fully put herself in a mommy's shoe, which can lead to misconceptions and misunderstandings.
Melanie (working/grad student, divorced, mother): Yes and no. I think it's been manufactured as a straw-person argument in many respects. It's not so much moms vs. non-moms as feminists vs. everyone.
Still, most felt there was a divide of some kind.
Mommies:
Jo (working, married, mother): Yes. I didn't used to think it would change things until my friends started having kids. It was like all of a sudden they didn't return phone calls, didn't hang out anymore, didn't care about anything that was going on. Then I had my own kids and guess what? I'm terrible at returning phone calls, I rarely see my friends (especially Non-Mommy ones) and I have a hard time remembering things that happen outside of my daily circle. Hell, I have a hard enough time remembering things that go on in my own life.
Gabi (stay-at-home mom/grad student, married, young baby): Most people don't talk about it, but it's there, for sure. As a mom, I just feel different than a non-mom. We have different interests and priorities.
Kate (volunteer, married, two kids ages 8 & 10): Yes, and also a mommy working vs. mommy homemaker divide too.
These are answers I expected... priorities do change, and having a kid to watch 24/7 can wear you out and keep you from making plans with friends. I hadn't really considered that there could be further division amongst Mommies. And it just makes sense, when you think about it... a working Mommy might feel like she doesn't get as much time with her kids and would love the luxury of staying home, while a stay-at-home Mommy might wish she could have adult conversations and a career. In the end, the divide exists because we each have something different as a top priority in our lives.
Non-Mommies:
Jenna (finance professional, engaged, doesn't want kids): Yes, absolutely. When women become Mommies, their entire life changes. Through this transition the Non-Mommy friends are left in the past. Since I have never made this right of passage, I can only speculate. As a 33-year-old woman though, I can assure you this has happened every single time, with even my closest friends. I think a lot of it has to do with obligations. Mommy friends cannot drop things on a whim to hurry off to a dinner or a show. They certainly cannot seem to spend a weekend away with gal pals before their children are school age (even then many of them do not wish to be away from partners and children to have friend time). I also think that Mommies tend to have less disposable income (especially when the child is young) so they avoid the types of activities they did as a more selfish, non-Mommy.
Becca (web designer, married, plans for kids someday/proud doggie mom): Yes! I certainly do. It's happened with my friends who've had children and we just don't hang out anymore. Though it doesn't seem that any specifically thing happened - we would make time for coffee dates in the beginning and they just got fewer and farther between.
Maura (PR consultant, married, plans for kids someday): Yes, I do. I feel like people need to be more considerate of others on both sides of the fence. While having a child (birthing, or adopting) is a life-changing event, it changes your life – not society’s. I do think there is a divide as “mommies” seem to have a sense of entitlement that the world owes them something, and that we should all bend for them.
Kim (engaged, plans for kids someday): I think those of us who aren't mothers feel a bit different than the mothers. We can't relate which would be the main cause.
I think that Jenna makes some good points about what has caused a divide... a difference in priorities. I definitely think that disposable income is a factor as well. I also relate a lot to what Maura said... I agree we have to live with children in the world, but I don't think I should have to kowtow to the Mommies/babies and change my life to accommodate them.
Perhaps the best example of someone who understands both sides and how things change is Ellie, who waited until age 36 to have a baby. Going from being a full-time professional who admittedly used to "order a $100 bottle of Silver Oak at happy hour with my besties", she knew very well what it was like to be on the Non-Mommy side... until she fell in love, got married, and became a stay-at-home Mommy!
Ellie (stay-at-home mom, married, young baby): "Having a small human in your life changes your life in a way that only fellow mommies truly understand. Not to dis any friends that support you along the journey - but now I realize there is just no "getting it" until you're in it. Just like anything in life that is all-consuming (war? marriage? divorce?) Plain and simple.
It really wasn't until I was married myself that I could appreciate WANTING to choose to spend precious weekend time or evenings JUST with your mate. How boring!!! How isolating!! Until you're there, and you know you need the time, want the time, long for the time together... It sounds harsh, but you become more selective with how you spend your time. Why? Because you are TIRED. And in love. These 2 factors combine and make you want to be at home and snuggle.
The other thing that changes is money. Not just because I am a stay at home mom vs. a single working professional. But because first you enter into a relationship (marriage!) where you have to be less selfish with how you spend money. So, I can still get the Silver Oak, the point is, I just have to be more thoughtful about it. But I can never, ever, buy another pair of Dior shoes! Now, as a mom, I think about the baby's college fund and how we should be saving more. Choices are bigger when you have someone to take care of. It's a huge, wonderful responsibility.
Well said. I really understand the points of view of all of these women, and I'm already starting to sympathize with how everyone feels about this... what do you think?
Stay tuned for Part 2: Can Mommy and Non-Mommy be friends?
P.S. Have you entered my free jewelry giveaway???
P.S. Have you entered my free jewelry giveaway???
